you know that feeling of pure happiness, where nothing can make you doubt just how amazing your life is right now, not even the fear of karma or being stabbed in the back effects you- yeah, it feels fucking great.

what#s on your mind? well, right now i feel like total and utter shit due to one subject my ex’s. Yeah, this may be that annoying ‘omg shut up woman no one cares, we’re all feeling shit thing’ but personally, i’ve never felt more low, even when i used cutting a source of freedom, even when i was depressed, even when times i just thought to myself, what is the point of me being here?
 But yeah, the one ex, i#m so in love with, the irony of it is what hurts. Okay, i wasn’t perfect in fact i treat him like he was nothing more than shit on my shoe, and it was all because i wanted to see what it was like to be that douche, who can do what they want and hurt others because you can and it amusing. No words can describe how much it pains me to know it was me who brought it upon myself, but still 2 years later, this guy is my only downfall. He says jump, i say how high. If he had it in him to hurt me purposely he could push me to limits i’ve never been to before. For some reason its hard to let go, i know sleeping with him regular isn’t helping matters, but the need to be around him is too much and if that’s all i can hae off him, i’ll jump at the chance because of how he makes me feel. I know i expecting way too much to ask him give me another chance, i know its too much to think i can have him as my own again, because who’s that lucky to get more chances. Yet, being without him is difficult, cause im the most locked up and shelled up person i can think of. I know everyone can say they have that feeling, and i bet they do, but knowing this one guy, can get through that? It scares me. 
 Matters aren’t helped with me telling him exactly how i felt, like heart thrown on the floor, just because holding it up sent me crazy, and i know he still has feelings, but it feels like he cares for me because he has too because of my outburst. But then they’re moments, when he says something and i suddenly become vunerable, over think everything and automatically think ‘what if?’, cause we were perfect together, cliche to fuck, its the truth. I don’t even understand how we worked but it did, and knowing its taken me this long to realise, and then remember i’m the reason for it, it chuffin’ sucks. And when he notices i start to care, he does try and tell me not too, because i’ll only get hurt, yet i can see that he does want us to be together, only he just broke up with his girlfriend who was amazing, and i dont know if its because of my input, or because he wasn’t to be free and single again to do what he wants. Yet, im still being a stupid hoe and running back because i have too much hope over nothing. 
 Secondly, well, you know that situation when you break up with a guy because you’re not in love with him, and the only reason you had to put it off for so long was because you didn’t want your life to change and the people to dissapear, so then you tell them before they get too attached and they turn into a bitter fowl and nasty little boy, which therefore makes you feel shit because you know you’re the reason for it. Well yeah, that happened, admittedly it was messy and horrible, i could see how much i was hurting him, yet i still sat there and drilled it into him i wasn’t in the same place. Granted it was the harsh way around it, but i had to say it, because yes, im a selfish person- why should i keep going on like every things okay and fine and dandy, when really im unhappy because i haven’t got those feelings he wants. The long run would’ve been so much worse, and things wouldnt ever be decent. 
 Shock, they aren’t. He said that even after everything, he still wants to be the guy i turn too about all problems, so i told him about the other ex, you know the one. It was a very bad idea, i knew it was from the start but he just kept pestering and manipulating me into feeling bad, and sorry for him when i was nothing but honest with him. Since then, its not been the same, i wasn’t expecting it to be honestly, he is hurt, and i don’t feel good about it, but things like this happen. I wish he could pay me the respect for being honest with him, cause then  i would see reason for the bitterness. He’s just now a total and utter bellend, everything has to become a big deal now, or he’s making me feel like im in the wrong and that i should make it all better by pretending i love him? No. Im sorry but no, i wont make myself unhappy. 
 So yeah, the biggy, the guy turned around and told me i had to choose between him being in my life, or a friend of mine who im getting closer too. This.. words cannot even describe how this makes me feel. It unearthed a very ugly side of me, one i haven’t seen in a while, one that scares me. It may seem petty, and you’ll all think ‘maybe he had reason’. He doesn’t want me around this girl because she’s his ex, who fucked him over badly. Now i always need two sides of the story before i bother making judgements, he says she accused him of rape and got the police to arrest his friend. That, yeah i get you hate her. But, the details he misses are what  she says happened in between, like she was suicidal, he broke up with her, because he wanted to sleep with everyone he could get his hands on leavers night. This would crush me, personally, i understand how she felt. Then he told her to hurry up and do it, he threatened her with ‘i’ll put naked photos of you on facebook’, she being 14 her parents see her phone, they’re gonna get the wrong idea. So, rumours were spread that she accused him of rape, when it was just concerned parents. Because of these rumours, his friend got involved and kicked off major, said she was gonna kill her and make her wish she was dead. This also doesnt go down well with concerned parents. The friend seemed to have forgotten her father is a cop, so when news gets round his daughter is cyber bullying, it wont go down well. 
 Now i know this may seem im picking sides, but it all just seems to fall into place. I don’t want to think he’s manipulative and evil like that. Im not saying she’s an angel as she did sleep with his best friend after the break up, everyone makes serious mistakes and some people learn, i can see she has even if he thinks she is the devil.
 Till, he kicks off with this ultimatum i must choose. How do you fucking choose? Who is he to say who i can and cant be friends with, who is he to demand me to choose him or he fucks off out my life and ‘whenever im in shit or need him, i’ll not be there’. This coming from the guy who claimed he loved me so much he would always be there, even when i was telling him about the ex. Not only does this escalate into us both turning into monsters neither of us know, but we say things- harsh things. Things you wouldn’t share even if you did think it. This leads onto a personal threat against his own family, just because she was there for me. The guy who isn’t evil or nasty, then causes the divide in the group. This pushing the group to also have to choose, us or him. What the hell?! Where along the lines of sanity is that in anyway fair. These days im noticing that his nice guy shield seems to have fallen and hes showing a evil, evil side. This side, i know he can wreck lives with and enjoy it, because he has it planned out. If things aren’t his way, then nothing will ever last. He’s like a storm, when hes unhappy, he must destroy everything in his path. Im not saying he isn’t a lovely guy, because he is a great guy, but it seems like its another personality to him. He’s only nice, when he’s getting something out of it, or he knows of ways to make it benefit him in some way. 
 I feel sorry for him, i do. Because the bitterness is turning him cruel. He’s starting to play very dangerous games, and he doesn’t care for the consequences. He’s turning into everything he claims he hates. And not to be judgemental, but i believe its to do with the drugs. His life is starting to become all about them, without them he wont smile, he wont say a nice word, he’ll fuck everyone off until he gets something. Yet, hes not realising, hes reliant and i’ve told him and tried to help him, yet he wont have non of it, because they’re what keep him happy. It worries me to death. Yet, i think, if he wont listen, he wont try and hear the other side, why the hell should i waste my time. He’ll realise when he has no one left. 
 How low he’s made me, i don’t think im ever gonna be the same around him, i will never forget how much he hurt me and crushed me to levels that i felt 2” tall, I’ll never get over the bitterness taking it one step too far when he starts to ruin my life in anyway because he’s bitter that i cant be the girl he wants.
 Today, was the tip of the ice burg. Today, i cried in fustration and the dark in me came out. I would never choose anyone, over anyone. I should never have to make that choice. What right do i have to choose who do i get to fuck off and hurt. I cant even describe how messed up the whole situation has gotten, but how much hatred im growing to wards him daily. I don’t even want him around me anymore because i’ve seen the side of him that’s cruel, that gets kicks off making me turn into a monster, that can play people to his ways. Nice guys are always best? Fuck off. 
 I say this, yet one of the only people who i would ever think about saying all this too, i cant because if i do, what happens if he gets into the friend zone. Im not saying im in love with the guy, i just don’t want him to get pushed into that situation time and time again, because he doesn’t deserve it. I know it sound like im saying he loves me, and im pretty sure he doesn’t. But being in that zone in anyway, shape or form is horrible.
 So yeah Facebook, this is whats on my mind, but that wouldn’t be acceptable would it. So lets get the fucking walls up and fuck everyone.